Jimmy the Elf

For the past couple of years our daughter has wanted an Elf on the Shelf to show up at our house. This past weekend, Jimmy Elf appeared!

We’re driving a loaner car while Kristie’s van is being serviced. There’s an access door from the back seat into the trunk. Friday night, both kids could NOT quit opening and closing that door.

Saturday as we backed out of the garage to go to lunch, yet again they opened that access door. Kerwin, our eleven year old said, “What’s that?” He reached through just as we had stopped backing out and were about to move forward. His hand came back into view holding a little red figure. Katie, who’s nine, let out a horrific scream, “It’s an elf Kerwin and you killed it. You’re not supposed to touch it!” She then jumped out of the car and ran across the driveway crying from fear. The very thing she’d wanted actually horrified her!

We told her to get back into the car so we could go to lunch. She said “No! That’s a haunted elf!” We assured her that it wasn’t, but she insisted, “Then how did he get in our trunk. It’s not even our car. Maybe he’s somebody else’s haunted elf!” She was literally terrified and would NOT let that door open again. Kerwin tried to play it cool, because he’s eleven, but he too was a bit unnerved.

During lunch, Katie asked our blessing and finished that with, “ . . . and please let our elf Jimmy forgive us.” Later that afternoon, Katie wrote Jimmy Elf a letter on post-it notes and put it in the trunk with him. It read: “Dear Jimmy, Please forgive my brother for touching you. He didn’t realize you were an elf. He didn’t mean to. Love, Katie.”

Apparently all is well now. The next morning, Jimmy Elf was sitting on our mantle over the fireplace. Katie asked me if he forgave them for touching him. I told her that I suppose he forgave them at least enough to come back for one more day!

The top three morals from this story are:

3. Be careful what you wish for. You just might find it in your trunk and feel the need for forgiveness.

2. Christmas is a magical time each year but in the Sonefelt home, the Year of the Elf will never be forgotten.

1. I’ve found a way to keep my daughter from touching the TV Remote . . . put an elf on it!

English Curling Iron

For a recent trip to England we had planned thoroughly. We had even purchased some electrical adapters so we could plug in our American electronic gadgets overseas. Our first morning there, Kristie had plugged her curling iron into the adapter and plugged that into the wall socket. Nothing happened . . . I mean nothing at all. The curling iron light didn’t come on. Being the handy man I am I quickly figured out that there was a little switch right beside the socket. I flipped it. I’m not quite sure if the scream or the puff of smoke came next. All I know for sure is that her hair is now PERMANENTLY curled. At least from what I can tell for now . . . until the swelling goes down.

Getting a Shot

Today I learned how to respond to the news of getting a shot at the doctor’s office. I learned from my nine year-old daughter. The proper reaction is to wait until your big brother is getting his and has all the attention. At that point you slip quietly out of the door of the exam room and go hide in the bathroom. It will take fifteen minutes or more for them to find you and they’ll be so glad to finally see you that they may forget the shot all together – NOT!

Interstate Sofa

I’m sure if you travel much at all, even for a family vacation once a year, you’ve probably seen a sofa on the median of the interstate at some point. I’ve seen many and have even written jokes about the situation. I’ve always wondered just how they get there though. Tonight I figured it out while waiting at a red light. A car crossed through the intersection (a CAR, not a truck) with a sofa on the roof. The sofa was NOT strapped down or even held with a bungee cord. Nope, it was held in place by one of the driver’s hands and one of the passenger’s hands. At first I laughed. Then I thought, “Yep, that explains it!”

Propane Fly Swatter

Last night I met some buddies for dinner at a country Bar-B-Que restaurant. We had finished when a ‘back woods’ looking guy came over to our table and asked how our meal was. It really was excellent and we told him so. We figured he must be the owner. We had noticed several flies on one of the windows and leaving our table he noticed them too. Moments later he emerged from the kitchen with a self-lighting propane torch. I thought he was headed to the porch to light the tiki torches because it was almost time for the bluegrass band to start. Nope, I was wrong. He headed straight for the window with all the flies and started Bar-B-Que-ing! One by one they fell. It’s the most expensive flyswatter I’ve ever seen. I wonder if they sell them at Wal Mart?

Psychic Reading

I keep getting emails from someone named Tara. They always say the same thing: Your free psychic reading is enclosed. Click here, no cost. Now if they were really psychic, wouldn’t they know I’m going to delete this?

Passive Alarm System

I parked beside a car with a sticker on the window. It was one of those small stickers about a security system that comes on windows from the car factory. This one said, “Warning! Passive Security System.” I wondered what a passive security system does. Does it wait until the thief steals all your stuff before it goes off?

Does it beep or does it say, “I wish you hadn’t done that?”

I had to know, so I smashed the window.

Custom Framing

Do the big chain craft stores ever sell their custom framing for full price?

Cardboard Chickens

Today I visited a local crafts store and bought some large paper maché eggs. The check out lady asked, “What you gonna do with them big ol’ eggs?” I replied, “I’m trying to hatch a cardboard chicken.” She said, “We got ‘em on aisle twelve.”

John Deere, Biscuits & First Names

I went to pick up my lawn mower from being serviced yesterday and upon walking in, the service guy said, “Howdy Tim!” I said, “Hi, I’m here to get my mower.” He started typing my name into the computer when another employee come over to get his biscuit order. He stopped working to make the difficult decision. Once he told her what he wanted he continued typing. Then, he stopped again to ask where she’d be getting the biscuits. After arguing for a minute about which restaurant had the best biscuits, he finally had my invoice up. He clicked a few times then sat back in his chair.

After about a minute or so, he hollered over to the other counter, “David, did that thang print out?” David replied, “Naw, it’s out of paper. They’re supposed to be tracking some down.” “OK,” my ‘service’ guy said as he leaned back in his chair again. I thought to myself, I’ll get the danged paper, just tell me where it is, but I didn’t say it. Finally David took action and got the paper. The invoice printed out David met my guy half way with it. They each took 5 steps.

I took out my credit card to pay him when the biscuit order lady shouted out, “I can’t order the biscuits, the phones ain’t workin.” My guy said under his breath, “If it ain’t one thang, it’s two.” I was getting more angry by the minute as I seemed to be the last thing on any of their minds. Plus I KNEW the phones were working because my ‘service guy’ had stopped helping me a couple times to answer the phone!

Finally I paid him and he opened the door for me. I said, “You might want to show me which mower is mine since there are about 40 out here and they all look just alike to me.” “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea,” he said and followed me out. “Plus it rained last night so I need to dry that seat off for ya.” Finally, some service I thought. He walked me to my mower and while drying my seat said, “If there’s one thang I hate, it’s gettin’ my butt wet first thang in the mornin.” He finished drying the seat and looked me in the eye and said, “Tim, we sure do appreciate your business. Have a good day.”

Until that point it had been one of the worst customer service experiences I’d had in recent memory. However, when he looked me in the eye and said my name, all that ‘bad stuff’ just faded away. After I got in the car, I realized I wasn’t angry anymore. The whole negative experience was completely erased when he sincerely looked me in the eye and thanked me using my name. There’s power in using a person’s name, and a lesson here for us all.

Pointed Toilet Paper

It’s interesting the lengths a hotel will go to convince us that they’ve cleaned the room. They fold points on the toilet paper, they put the shower curtain outside the shower and they stop up the drain in the tub. I wonder if we’d be any more convinced if they actually just cleaned the room?

Hackers Wanted

On a recent drive through Atlanta, I saw a billboard that said in HUGE letters: Want to be a Hacker?” The sign went on to say that I could become a trained, expert hacker in just two weeks! I was amazed. After a month of training, my golf game hasn’t improved one bit. However, I was able to sneak into the golf course computer and lower my green fees!

Pocket Camera

About a month ago, I sat on my digital camera and broke the screen. It was in my back pocket. It's difficult to take pictures from there. Occasionally you get a good one though. I bought a new camera, just like the old one . . . except for the big crack. I told the lady at Target I sat on the old one and broke the screen. She asked how old it was. I told her I didn't know then I said, "Why, are they like our bones - get brittle with age?" She laughed. She asked which one I wanted to see. I pointed and told her the one that was closest to the one I broke. That way it will fit in my back pocket

Fresh Shrimp

While driving between shows one day in a very rural area I saw a series of signs along the side of the road, all hand painted. Peeches. Apals. Cukumbers. Potaters. Skwash. Each sign had a misspelled, single word on it. The signs were about two hundred yards apart and as they passed, I realized they were leading up to a road-side produce stand. Watermellens. Canterlope. Then finally one spelled correctly: Fresh Shrimp! The first thing through my mind was that they found their dicktionary. My bigger thought was that I was five hours inland – so just how fresh could these shrimp really be? Finally I wondered how these products even go together in the same stand. I spent $100.

Memory Foam

I bought some of those memory foam insoles for my shoes. After wearing them for a day I took one out and looked. The only thing they can remember now is "I don't want him standing on me anymore!"

Southern Culture

This morning I had to buy new tires. I always buy them at the same place my father bought them because when it comes to tires, us Southerners are loyal. This morning they were extremely busy. It’s a smaller place out in the country and they don’t have one of those signs saying you can’t come into the work area. In fact they have some old recliners and a sofa right beside where they work on the cars and tires. There’s no glass in between me and where the work gets done. It was like Floyd’s Barber Shop from the Andy Griffith Show listening to all the stories floating around. I was listening, but not really listening until I heard one elderly gentleman say, “When I realized I didn’t have my gun, I got back in the truck and left.” What? My ears perked up a bit. Later the same gentleman, who seemed to be doing all the talking, said, “I wish I could find who keeps lettin’ my donkeys out.” That’s when I realized . . . these people don’t need tires, they just buy them so they have someone to talk to!

Garbage Disposal

Recently while mixing my protein shake, the little flip top broke off the lid for my shaker cup. That little piece of plastic would now be classified as garbage. Ironically, it went straight down the garbage disposal. I didn’t have time to try to retrieve it then and soon forgot about it. A few days later we had a cook-out. The left over beans were put down the disposal and when we turned it on, there was a short-lived, extremely loud crunching sound – much too crunchy for baked beans. That’s when I realized what had happened. We really didn’t buy a GARBAGE disposal.

Speed Trap

On a recent trip I was talking on the phone to with my hands-free headset as I often do. I had entered a work zone and orange barrels were everywhere. I passed a motorcycle and realized that what looked to be his turn signals were blue, not red. Uh-oh! That's about the time those blue lights started flashing and the siren started wailing. Other than those tiny, round blue lights, there was no sign this was a police. I pulled over, gathered my license & registration and watched my mirror for him to walk up. However, he seemed to have disappeared! I didn't see him anywhere! All of a sudden three was a LOUD tap on the passenger side window. I think he used that big flashlight to knock. I lowered the window and he asked if I knew I was speeding. I told him that I didn't and apologized for passing him. He said, "I wish I could help you out some, but you WERE in a construction zone." He turned to go back to his bike and there was now a HUGE banner on his back that said POLICE. He must have a cord he pulls to let that unfold, sort of like James Bond. He gave me a ticket for $250 and suggested I come to the court date so the judge could possibly lower the fine. Since the town was only a couple hours away and I have a friend in that town I decided to go. When it was my turn to talk to the judge, he said, "How do you plead?" I respectfully told him I was guilty. He responded, "Then why are you here?" I told him I came in hopes he could lower my fine. He looked at me as if I were nuts, then said, "Do you realize you were in a WORK ZONE?" He didn't reduce my fine, but on the bright side he did lower my court costs to just $50 to cover my 'trial.' I should have just sent the check, but would have had to drive through a work zone to get to the post office.

Recentl at my mom's funeral, my five-year old nephew had been given strict instructions on what he could and could not do. He’d not been told what he couldn’t say. He walked up, gave a sigh and said, “I sure wish I could pick my nose.”

Thanks for laughing. We laughed too.